737 Safety Features

This is why I fly Southwest when I am in the US. Westjet in Canada come close, but they have to do the same speech in both official languages so it makes it a little more difficult.

Transcript from a Southwest Airline FA:  Safety Features on a Boeing 737

If I could pretend to have your attention for just a few moments, my ex husband, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are gonna show you the safety features about this 737-800 series. It's been a long day for me.

To properly fasten your seatbelts, slide the flat into the buckle; to release, lift up on the buckle. Position your seatbelt tight and low across your hips like my grandmother wears her support bra.

If you get mad and you wanna take the tour alone, there are eight ways to get there! Two forward exit doors, wing window exits, two rear doors. Signs overhead, disco lights on the floor leading to each exit.

Everybody gets a door prize in the seat back pocket in front of you along with dirty diapers, chewing gum wrappers, banana peels and all other gifts you leave us from time to time. Take it out, check it out. You'll notice in the highly unlikely event that the captain lands us near a hot tub, everyone gets their very own teeny weeny yellow Southwest bikini! One size fits all. Take it out of its holder, place it over your head, wrap that strap around your waist, buckle it and pull to tighten. Once that's on, pull on the tab to make it inflate; to re-inflate, blow on the tube at your shoulder. The flight attendants are coming by hoping you'll tell them how good looking they are. 

We're gonna make sure your seats and tray tables are in the full upright and absolutely most uncomfortable position possible, and that your carry-on items are currently stored completely under the seat in front of you leaving absolutely no room for your knees or feet.

As you know, it's a no smoking, no whining, no complaining flight. 

It's a "Please and thank you" and "You are such a good looking flight attendant" flight. 

Smoking is never allowed on board a Southwest. If you're caught smoking in the lavatories the fine for that is $2000, and if you wanna pay that for your air fare, you should have flown somebody else.

 If we do make you that nervous in the next hour and a half, you're more than welcome to step outside. We don't discriminate at Southwest, we have a special smoking section just for you. We'll even show you a movie tonight! We have: Up In The Air.

The flight attendant serving you tonight is Wendy and her motto is if you can light it, you can smoke it! Federal law prohibits tampering with, disabling or destroying any smoke detector or webcam in either of our lavatories.

Federal aviation regulations require passenger compliance with any passenger information signs and plastic placards. Basically, just do what we say and nobody gets hurt.

And although we never anticipate a loss in cabin pressure (if we did, we certainly wouldn't be at work tonight), but if needed four oxygen masks drop from the compartment overhead. Stop screaming, let go of your neighbor, pull until that plastic tubing is fully extended, place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. To activate the flow of oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute, and 15 cents for every minute after that. Although that plastic bag may not inflate, you are receiving lots and lots of "gin". Oxygen that is.

And if you're travelling with small children, we're sorry. If you're travelling with more than one child, pick out the one that you think might have the most earning potential down the road. And if you're travelling with somebody needing very special assistance, like your husband (bless his heart), or your wife, put on your mask first.

That's it for the dos and donts of show and tell. Sit back and relax, or you can sit up and be tense, either way. You're already on our flight and the clock's already ticking.

Seriously, if there is anything we could do to make your flight more enjoyable please tell us... just as soon as we land in Salt Lake City. 

And if there is anything you could do to make our flight more enjoyable, we'll tell you immediately. We're not shy at Southwest. That's what you call very cheap entertainment. No one has to pay any extra but you certainly don't get a refund! 

Thank you for choosing Southwest, welcome aboard!"